Adopting Liberian Kids
http://ellenverhaagen.com
Adopting Liberian Kids

"When ya gonna get 'em?"

The most common question I am asked is, "When ya gonna get 'em?" Honestly, I have no idea. Can't even guess. I am copying below the latest from Angel Rutledge, who's the most 'in the know' of anyone I know...

At the moment there is a hold on new adoptions in Liberia. Specifically, the Ministry of Health and Social Services has said they will not investigate new cases until some policies for how adoptions are processed in Liberia are changed. There is a lot of speculation about what these changes might be and how long it might be before new adoptions are able to move forward again. There are also some questions about adoptions that have already made it past the investigation of the Ministry of Health but are not completed. Here is what I know from several sources who have been in Liberia over the past month and have met with the Consular at the Embassy and had limited access to the Ministry of Health.
  1. Adoptions are proceeding in regards to going to court, getting passports, getting medicals, and getting visas at the US Embassy. Children are continuing to travel to the US by escort or after being picked up by adoptive families. I know of four families (adopting through ACFI) in the past month who have gotten their children’s visas and come home or will be in the next couple of days.
  2. As far as a potential timeline for when new adoptions will be able to move through the Ministry of Health again, I have not heard any information from anyone who can give a definitive answer on this. I’ve heard answers that range from 2 weeks to up to 6 months. 

I’ve even heard some people talk about the potential of adoptions shutting down completely in Liberia. I don’t believe adoptions will be shut down. The reasons people have talked about this possibility I think boil down to the following reasons:
  1. UNICEF has been somewhat involved in the discussions surrounding the state of Liberian adoptions and UNICEF is openly anti-international adoptions. I don’t think UNICEF’s views on international adoptions are going to have a lot of weight on Liberian adoptions mainly because their view is the same as it always has been and they don’t suddenly have anymore influence in Liberia than they have previously.
  2. The Deputy of the Ministry of Health has recently vocalized anti-adoption sentiments. While many of his concerns are valid, I think they will be addressed by some modifications in the adoption process, so hopefully he will change his position as the modifications are established. Also, he is not the ultimate person who makes the decision about whether or not adoptions in Liberia proceed, and most of the other people who have a say in this DO want to see the adoptions continue.

However, giving an opinion on how long it will take for decisions to be made and new adoptions to move forward again is impossible in my opinion. To understand Liberian time means understanding that estimating timeframes when dealing with anything in Liberia is fruitless. It’s like trying to nail God down for when He’s going to do something in your life. He’s not bound by our desire to know when something will happen.

Possible changes
Predicting these is almost as hard as predicting timeframes, but here are a couple I anticipate.
  • Escorting will probably be done away with. There will likely be a requirement that adoptive families spend some time in Liberia before bringing their children home. I don’t know if this will mean one or both parents have to travel or for how long. My best guess is that at least one parent will need to be in Liberia for at least 3 weeks.
  • There will be more in depth investigations of the children’s backgrounds and their orphan status.
  • There may be an additional fee that needs to be paid to the MoH for each adoption.

I hope this is helpful information to those of you who are following our journey. Is it frustrating for us to wait? Certainly. I hope to go to the airport tomorrow night to welcome the Bridges family home with their two boys, Solopino and Stewart. I know they will bring information to us from Sayfou and Matterline and that makes me feel like the process is moving along for us... even if it's at a snail's pace.

nuthin' to say...

Many people have asked me to update my blog, but unfortunately, I have no news to report! I do know that Sayfou and Matterline have received our packages and they want to be adopted by us. That's good news! There is a man named Bob Bridges from Charlotte who is in Liberia this past week picking up his boys from the Dixville orphanage. Dave spoke with him before he left and asked him to check on Matterline and perhaps take her to a clinic in Monrovia. It appears she probably has malaria. She has similar complaints that her sister, Angelyn, has... constant headaches, dizziness... all that come and go. I hope that Bob can bring us back letters and perhaps pictures of them. If so, I will post them as I receive them. 

I just read a post from a Yahoo! group I've subscribed to and I am including it below:
I just got this news today.  On Friday, Judy Elkins and Sherry from PLAN met with the Deputy Minister of Health regarding the status of adoptions in Liberia.  He said that they will announce the changes in 2 weeks, but that they will be small.  Praise God!

Love, Dawn
Helpmeet to Aaron
Joyful Mommy to 10
6 at home: Thomas (10), Naomi Ruth (9), Rebekah (7), Hannah (5), Miriam (3), Susanna (2), and Baby (due 10/08)
and 3 in Liberia, coming home March 11th!!!!: Stephen (10), Sarah (9), and Samuel (4)


So perhaps in two weeks, our dossier will enter the "pipe" in Liberia rather than sit on a stack of file folders somewhere!

Thank you for your interest in our family and for your prayers. We know God is up to something big.

Today, I spoke with Sayfou...

Today, President's Day, at 10:30 in the morning, I called the Dixville orphanage. Since Liberia is 5 hours ahead of East Coast time, I was hoping the children would be out of school. A woman answered the phone. "Hallooo?"

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hallooo?"

"Hello?" I repeated. "Is this the Dixville orphanage?"

"Yes," she answered, after a second's delay.

"May I speak with Sayfou and Matterline Toe?" I asked.

"Call back in ten minutes!" she boomed.

"Okay," and I hung up. I guess she didn't want me hanging on the phone while she went to get them. So I patiently waited for ten minutes... then twelve and thirteen, just to make sure.

I dialed the number again. "Hallooo?" the same woman answered.

"May I speak with Sayfou Toe?" I asked.

"Here's Matterline!" she said, and a second later I heard a small "Hello? Mom Angel? May I speak with my sister Angel?" and I tried to explain that I was not Mom Angel, but a friend of Mom Angel and I knew her sister Angel and we lived in the same town and went to the same church...

Silence. I think I used too many words. I was nervous. After a moment, a boy came on the phone. "Hello?"

"Sayfou?"

"Yes, Mom."

I took a deep breath. "My name is Mama Ellen. I am a friend of Mom Angel. But I am Mama Ellen and I want to adopt you and your sister Matterline."

"OK," he responded, but I didn't think he quite understood me.

"Did you get a package from me? With letters?"

"No," he said.

So he really had NO IDEA who I was! I started again, from scratch. "Sayfou, my name is Mama Ellen. Me and my husband Dave want to adopt you and Matterline. We live in Charlotte. We go to the same church as Dan and Angel Rutledge. We know your sister, Angel. Do you understand?"

"Yes," he said.

"We want to be your forever family, Sayfou. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand," he said, and I could hear him begin to cry. Of course that made me begin to cry.

"Sayfou, I love you. We are going to bring you home to America soon. Do you understand?"

Through tears, he said, "I love you, Mom."

"We know Matterline is sick."

"Yes."

"We are trying to get medicine to her. You do not have to worry about her.  Your Dad Dave and I are going to take care of you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Mom."

"Wait patiently for the packages from us, okay?"

"Pictures?" he asked.

"Yes, we have pictures of us and gifts in there for you and Matterline. Wait for them, okay?"

"Okay, Mom."

"I'll talk with you soon. I love you Sayfou. Bye."

"Bye." Click.


I hung up the phone and just sat in silence. He sounded so small, but he's carrying the weight of the world... his world, which is his two biological sisters and all his "brothers and sisters" in the orphanage. What else can I do for them now, but wait? I feel so helpless. Liberia's government has put adoptions on hold. Do the Dixville kids even know that? President Bush is supposedly making Liberia his last stop on his 5-nation Africa tour. Will the topic of adoption come up as he speaks with President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf? She has visited Dixville, as has her son. Will she give verbal support for Americans continuing to adopt Liberian children? My prayer is this: Let it be so. God, You work in powerful and mysterious ways. Bring my children home, I humbly ask, in your Son's precious Name. Amen. Oh, and may they receive the packages from us via Cece Kofi soon.

Time keeps on tickin', tickin', tickin'... into the future...

  • Dave had a very productive meeting with Pastor Kofi on Tuesday, February 5th. Dave drove 45 minutes during his lunchtime to Lancaster, SC, stopping by Bojangles on the way and picking up lunch for the Kofi's, and he met with Pastor Kofi for about 30 minutes... enough to pray, eat lunch together, and share his proposal. (see below) Pastor Kofi was so excited. He said if there was ONE thing that Liberian kids needed, it was treatment for trauma. In all his years of ministry, no one had ever approached him about doing something in the trauma arena. In fact, Kofi said he could see this idea expanding beyond the orphanage and into all parts of Liberia!

 

  • On Wednesday, February 6th, Dave and I met at our church to have some forms notarized, the last step for our Liberian dossier. We walked into the notary's office and there sat our Missions Pastor, Tom Henry. He said, "I just had an anointed meeting with Pastor Kofi of ACFI." I said, "Really? You met with him this morning??" And Tom said, "Yes. And I think our church should rally around him and his ministries in Liberia. We should get a team together to go to Liberia and serve. Let's pray right now." and he hopped up from his chair, put his arms around me and Dave, and he began to pray: Father God, we just ask right now that You'd be with Pastor Kofi and ACFI. Please guide Dave and Ellen as they pursue these children from Liberia. Gather a team of folks together from our community with a heart for Africa. In Jesus name, amen." It was a holy moment. The hairs of my arms were standing up. All of a sudden, our little part of a story grew into a movement of the hand of God; what a cool thing to experience!

 

  • On Thursday, February 7th, Pastor Kofi left for Liberia.
  • On Friday, February 8th, our social worker called and said our Home Study was complete and in the mail.
  • On Saturday, February 9th, we received not only our home study in the mail, but I also got my passport. We are now thinking that I will go with Dave when he goes to Liberia.  (FYI: I had just mailed my expedited passport application one week earlier.) That night, we had dinner over at the Rutledges' house. They had told Angel (who now wants to be called Angelyn) that we were going to adopt her brother and sister. So when I first saw Angelyn, she flew at me with arms open wide and gave me a huge hug. Here is a picture of us taken with her that night.

                    

  • On Sunday, February 10th, I added our notarized home study to the other forms and put together a final dossier packet to be sent to the ACFI orphanage in Dixville. Dave had spoken with Cece Kofi, Pastor Kofi's wife, and asked her if she would hand-deliver our dossier when she traveled to Liberia on February 14th. So I put together a package each for Sayfou and for Matterline. I had been writing letters to them since December, so in each package I was able to place 8 letters from me, a prayer from Abbey, 3 lollipops, a Valentine's Day card, a leather bracelet that said "Be Strong" and a necklace for each. 
    • Click on the link below to see what we sent Sayfou and Matterline as an introduction to our family.

      Family Newsletter

 

  • On Tuesday, February 12th, Dave again drove to Lancaster to drop off the dossier and the two packages with Cece Kofi. He thanked her and prayed with her, then drove back to work.
  •  On Thursday, February 14th, Cece Kofi flew to Liberia with our life-changing documents in her possession.

 

"You're Doing Whaaa--?"

Last week I told my headmaster that we were adopting two children from Africa. I quickly assured her that, even though I was adding to my family, I still loved my job and wanted to keep it! From that point, the news spread like wildfire on my campus. I told as many teachers as I could, hoping they would hear from me and not from the watercooler gossip. I noticed something interesting about their responses. They fell into one of two camps. First were the folks who were obviously excited for me and wanted to know all the details: "how did you hear about them?" "what are their names?" "when will you get them?" and the ever-popular "how much does it cost?" Then there's the other camp. I call this the "Cricket Camp" because when I sat down with a bunch of teachers at lunch and told them I was adopting two kids from Africa, all I could hear were crickets. Their faces must have instantly filled with Botox, because not one muscle moved. I could actually read the Thought Bubble over their heads: I-can't-act-as-shocked-as-I-feel-but-that's-the-craziest-thing-I've-ever-heard! Then a fake smile came over each face and they nodded their heads saying, "That's great." Then they quickly changed the subject! "How about those Patriots!"

I even had one teacher seem extremely happy for me, gushing as she backed out of my room and at the door, she stopped and said to me, "THANK YOU."  Thank you? That's an odd response, don't you think? She meant, "thank you for adopting African children..." For some, my adoption makes them feel guilty, as if I am telling them THEY should be doing something to help the starving children in Africa. Then their obvious guilt makes me feel bad! Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!

I was explaining these reactions to our Small Group, three couples with whom we've met weekly for years. Christy, mom of 4 precious children, said that she knew exactly what I was talking about. When she announced her first two pregnancies, people were thrilled. When she announced her third, some people got the Botox Face and mumbled "congratulations"... but when she announced her fourth, she could tell those same people were thinking, "Are you crazy? FOUR KIDS!" So I guess some of the reactions I am getting could be due to the fact we are "adopting two more kids" essentially doubling our family in one fell swoop. (But I think they're more freaked out because the kids are African!)

Fingerprint Fun

On Tuesday, January 29 at 2:00, Dave and I had our fingerprinting appointment at the Application Support Center of the Citizenship and Immigration Service. Luckily we live in Charlotte, which is the only ASC for the whole state of North Carolina. So there were tons of people there! We entered this big room, showed the letter we'd received from CIS as well as our photo ID, then were told to wait in another line after filling out a form. There were rows and rows of chairs on either side of "the other line" and they were filled with people... families with small children, men in suits, women with interpreters... and they were all different nationalities. We quickly realized that not only were adoptive families here to be fingerprinted, but also immigrants from all walks of life! We saw folks from Eastern Europe, Mexico, Africa, and Central/South America. It was a trip (no pun intended)!

After we turned in our form from the second line, we were given a number and told to sit. Dave had "709" and they were calling out "671"!! So for the next hour, we people-watched. There was a TV on in the front of the room broadcasting a soap opera, babies were crying to be fed, husbands and wives were talking to each other, so the fingerprint techs had to yell to be heard. "680!"  "681!"  We counted five or six stations and it took 7-8 minutes per person. So even though they were moving at a pretty good clip, we didn't get called back until about 2:40. Whereas they used to press your fingertips onto an inkpad and make fingerprint cards (I saw some castoff ink rollers and dried up inkpads in the corner), now each station was a fingerprint computer. The gloved technician took my fingers, wiped each with a water-dampened paper towel, then pressed-and-rolled my fingertip onto a small glass window. It looked like the glass window barcode scanners you see at grocery stores. And viola! A scanned image of my fingertip appeared on the computer monitor.  The computer would either say "Accept" or "Scan Again" depending on how good the image was. So, for each hand, they scanned all four fingers together, then the thumb, then each individual finger. It was fascinating. My tech said, "Good luck with your adoption!" and sent me on my way. I drove away at 3:00. What an interesting hour of my life!

Dave's Update 2

There are times when God seems silent and then there are times when God seems to be speaking and moving in evident ways.  For us, this is one of those times when God is clearly on the move.  Friday night we had the privilege of talking with Edward and Cecelia Kofi, the pastor and his wife who oversee all the ACFI ministries which include the orphanage where Sayfou and Matterline are currently living.  In fact, he was the man responsible for creating and building these places that work so hard to take care of children.  

We sat in Mama Ruth's living room talking to Pastor Kofi and Cece, learning more about Liberian culture, the history of the country, the violent conflicts that have traumatized so many there, and God's heart for adoption.  How did this happen?  Because many years ago, Pastor Kofi ministered in Liberia with Allen and Ruth Finley, the parents of Melissa Myers, who is one of our very best friends.  In a world with billions of people, separated by continents and oceans, we happened to be sitting just a few miles from our house here in Charlotte talking to the man who founded the same orphanage where Sayfou and Matterline live on the other side of the world.  

One other cool thing happened during that conversation.  Before we had even heard of Sayfou and Matterline, I had wanted to go to Africa as a psychologist.  I had come close to going on a church trip to Ethiopia earlier in the year, but the trip came up too quickly for me to be ready to go in time.  I told my pastor and others that I eventually wanted to find a way to go to Africa as a psychologist, much in the same way that physicians or dentists go on short-term medical missions.  I thought my specialties with trauma might be something I could use in Africa.  I brought this up with Pastor Kofi and he was very receptive to the idea; in fact, he wants to talk to me before he returns to Liberia about what this might look like. (We actually have a lunch appointment on Tuesday, February 5th.) My thoughts are still forming, but I would love to develop an ongoing plan to assess African children for post-traumatic stress and then equip workers and counselors there to understand and even treat it.  I'll keep you posted on this, but it could be really exciting stuff.

The evening reminded me again that with God, big things (like the world) can become small and small things (like a conversation) can become big.

The Martians Have Landed

Helene Nathanson, our social worker, told my girls a great story... an analogy, really, about what it might feel like to be Liberian and adopted by Americans. I thought it was worth writing down. It not only helped my girls, but it gave me a perspective on what my Liberian kids will probably experience.

What if you were enjoying your life, living in your house, going to school, playing with your friends... when one day, this Martian ship shows up and these smiling Martians come to greet you. They are very nice, they speak English, they hug you and kiss you and give you presents... then they take you in their spaceship and fly you back to Mars. They are still very nice and loving to you, but you are on a strange planet, in a strange house with strange customs. You don't know anything at all about your surroundings, or how to act within this new 'family'. You would begin to miss your old home, wouldn't you? Even if Mars had lots more to offer than your old planet, you would still miss your friends, your school and your old life.

American life is as foreign to adopted Liberian children as Mars would be to you.

Home Study Done

On Monday, January 21st, our social worker came for our home visit. Since it was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, both our girls had the day off from school. So when Ms. Nathanson arrived, the girls showed her around the house... Christy said, "This is Dad's office, but it will be Sayfou's room." "Christy and I are going to switch rooms and I get to sleep with Maddie, " said Abbey, smiling. Ms. Nathanson took some basic notes, like "open living room", "walls painted in a neutral color." Then she sat down on the couch with Christy and Abbey and I sat in a nearby chair.

She asked them good questions, like "What do you think about this upcoming adoption?" Abbey said, "I think it's a good thing to adopt Sayfou and Maddie. I want them to be my brother and sister."

"How do you think you'll be toward them?"
Christy: I'll be sisterly, just like I am with Abbey.

"What is 'sisterly'?"
Christy: You know, I'll look out for them and be nice to them.

My eyebrows raised, but I didn't say anything.

"These kids have different color skin. What have you thought about that?"
Christy: It doesn't matter.
Abbey: If we go into a restaurant and people are staring at us, we can just pretend we're famous.

"We all have ideas/fantasies about what life will be like when these kids come. What if it's not all great? Abbey, what if Maddie snores? Christy, what if Sayfou doesn't want to play with you but just wants to hang out by himself?"
Christy: I'll give him space until he's ready to play.

"What if he never gets ready?"
Christy:  (silence)

Abbey: It's okay if Maddie snores.

"What if she takes your toys and wants to keep them for her own?"
Abbey: (silence)

So I think our social worker gave the girls some good things to think about. We talk every night as a family about all the different scenarios that could occur once these children come home. But Ms. Nathanson even expanded their vision. She was wonderful with the girls. When she left, Abbey gave her a hug. Then Abbey told me later, "She really liked my dimples. I want her to be my third grandma, because she's so nice."

The next day, Dave and I met at Nathanson Adoption Services' office to wrap up our portion of the home study. She asked very specific questions, like, "What do you know about child development?" Dave said, "Well, I've taught 'Child Development' at four universities." Her eyes got wide as she wrote this down. Then she asked about how we parented, had we discussed possible attachment issues, and what resources we used as parents. To that last question, I answered, "Well, there's this great book out there called 'Parenting the Millenial Generation' by a guy named Dave Verhaagen..." Her eyebrows shot up and she asked, "You wrote a book? On parenting?" She could not believe it. Then she said, "Can I just tell you? Your children are delicious... so well-spoken, well-mannered. You guys I'm kinda worried about," she said facetiously, "but your girls just might tip the scale in your favor!"

Bottom line: I think we passed the home study with flying colors!

Daughter Christy is 12 Today!

 On Sunday, January 21, 1996, Dave and I had the rare privilege of being in the delivery room while another woman labored for our child. Jennifer, having just turned 18, had independently made an adoption plan with us four months previous. We had followed her pregnancy... um, expectantly! We got the call just after church that Jennifer had indeed gone into labor and was at the hospital with her mother. So we hopped in the car and drove uptown, knowing that our life was about to forever be changed. And sure enough, after helping Jennifer "PUSH! PUSH!", out popped a perfect baby girl with porcelain skin and rosebud lips. Even the nurses commented, "She's beautiful!" and through tears I said, "You HAVE to say that... you are delivery room nurses!!" to which they responded, "No. Sometimes we just say, 'It's a girl!'" Jennifer, an amazingly brave person, kissed her newly swaddled infant and then turned to me, held out the little bundle, and said, "Here's your daughter." Unbelievable.

Two days later, we exited the hospital: Jennifer with baby Christy on her lap, Jennifer's mom, and me. Dave was home with a gaggle of folks waiting to meet our daughter for the first time—grandparents, pastors, and neighbors. Mark Hoffman, a pastor at our church, had come to the hospital to help me. He showed me how to secure the baby in the carseat and the carseat in the car! Then we all caravanned to our house, with Donna and Jennifer following. Once we made introductions all around, we had an informal "releasing" ceremony. Our senior pastor, Jimmy Kallam, prayed for us all. Then Dave and I spoke to Jennifer, thanking her for her gift. Jennifer spoke to us, thanking us for inviting her into our lives. Then we took sleeping Christy up to her new crib. I laid her down and quietly walked away, leaving Jennifer alone with her child one last time. After a few minutes, Jennifer exited the nursery with tears streaming and symbolically closed the door behind her.

We have had an amazing journey with Jennifer, now a 30-year-old woman. We still get together with her and her mom on an annual basis, and now Christy is at the age where Jennifer can take her out to a restaurant to celebrate and spend time together, usually sometime around January 21st. Most people unfamiliar with open adoptions get a little freaked out when they hear this. But each time we interact with Jennifer, we each speak to the fact that the right decision was made twelve years ago.

 
 
        Now you can see where Christy
             gets her petite frame!
   
      
  Notice the similar profiles!
Once when Christy was about five or six, I asked her if she knew who Jennifer was. She said, "Yep, she's my birthmom." Then she paused for a minute, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "But you're my REAL mom!"

Happy Birthday, my REAL daughter, Christina Leann Verhaagen!